I
hope you will receive a fortnightly dose of motivation, inspiration, laughter
and thought-provoking quotes. If you find yourself bogged down in our
competitive, stressful work world, take a few minutes to read and then think
about the positive messages you will receive.
1. Inspirational Quotes
2. The Light Within by Joe Mazzella
3. Find of the week
4. Wild Trivia
5. Metaphor
6. Ken
Warren- Think before you speak
7. What
is Laughter?
8. Jokes
9. Motivational
No trees were destroyed in the
sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were
significantly inconvenienced
1. Inspirational Quotes
Yesterday, Today,
and Tomorrow
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry,
Two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.
YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY.
We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase
a single word we said. ......YESTERDAY is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW, with its
possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and poor performance.
TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.
TOMORROW’S sun will rise,
either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise.
Until! it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW, for it
is as yet unborn.
This leaves only one day. TODAY
Any person can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities,
YESTERDAY and TOMORROW that we break down.
It is not the experience of TODAY that drives us mad,
It is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY,
and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.
Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time!
~ Author Unknown ~
Don't cry because it’s over, smile because
it happened.
Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery
is optional.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery,
and today is a gift. That's why it's called The Present.
A good exercise for the heart is to bend
down and help another up.
The bubbling brook would lose its song if
you removed the rocks.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't
even know you left open.
Everything is always okay in the end, if
it's not, then it's not the end.
If all my friends jumped off a cliff, I
wouldn't jump with them. I would be at the bottom to catch them.
A girl on the street is pointing up at the sky. 'Look an Angel!' she
yells. A passer-by laughs, 'You fool, that is only a
cloud.' How wonderful it would be to see Angels where there are only clouds.
How sad it would be to see clouds where there are Angels.
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If
you're alive, it isn't.
2. THE LIGHT WITHIN By: Joseph J.
Mazzella
joecool@wirefire.com
I just spent most
of this evening on my back porch enjoying a yearly miracle. Every year during
the Summer I have always been fortunate enough to get a week or two of watching
the fireflies light up the world. I can remember seeing them and chasing after
them when I was only a boy of four or five. I can remember helping my young
cousins catch them and then let them go while my wife held our baby boy nearly
fifteen years ago. I can remember being blessed by seeing thousands of them
lighting up my back yard these last few years. Tonight they seemed to almost
dance along as they flew over the tombstones in the graveyard behind my house.
Their shining lights seemed to blink a beautiful reminder into my soul that
there is no death only everlasting light. I sometimes wish that we humans could
shine our lights as clearly and beautifully as our firefly friends do, but I
guess God in His infinite, loving wisdom meant for us to shine our light in
other ways. We do, after all, have a powerful, glowing, wondrous light within
us. It comes out of us as goodness, kindness, love, joy, compassion, caring,
peace, happiness, and delight. It shines from us whenever we share it and is
more brilliant than a million fireflies.
Make sure then to shine
that light within you. Reach down into your soul and bring out all the love,
joy, goodness, and light that God fills you with. Bring it out, nourish it, and
make it burn bright. Then share it with the world. Let it shine in your smile,
glow in your kind words, brighten others’ lives through your loving actions,
and illuminate the world in your joyous life.
Be a daily miracle. Be
a firefly of love for God. Let the light within you set the world aglow with
its brilliance.
3. Find of the week
Thanks Elizabeth Bullock
Stop losing your TV remote control.
Attach
a small strip of Velcro to the side of your television set, and another small
strip to the back of your remote control. When you're done using the remote for
the day, just stick it to the side of the TV. You'll know exactly where it is
tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~
In
the morning, I like to have everything I need, vitamins, hairbrush, makeup,
etc. easily accessible so I can start my day in a productive manner.
Rather
than keeping everything that I use each morning on the bathroom countertop, I
found a 10-inch basket with a handle that holds all of my make-up, vitamins and
other morning preparation items.
Each
morning, all products are taken quickly out of the basket and put on the
countertop in the order I will use them. Then, as they have been used, they go
back in the basket, which is easily stored in the cabinet.
!!
Organized bathroom and organized morning preparation for the day!
Check your License Demerit Points at the following site - Thanks Peter Watson
https://www.rta.nsw.gov.au/clenq/index.jsp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Peel a cucumber and make a smooth pulp of the
cucumber.
Apply
to face, especially the eye area. This
is great for oily skin and clogged pores and will take away puffiness around
the eyes.
Apply
wheat germ oil to the skin to prevent and treat stretch marks. If you are pregnant, make sure to rub in some
wheat germ oil on your tummy daily.
Apply
some honey (straight from the bottle) to your freshly cleansed face and
neck. Let it dry for 15 minutes. Use a soft washcloth and warm water to remove
the mask. This mask is great for dry
skin.
Washing
Sneakers? If you blast some spray starch on sneakers before wearing them, they
will be easier to launder since the dirt won’t grind in. Wash them in the
machine and they’ll come out spanking clean!
Storing
Potatoes - Store potatoes with an apple to prevent them from sprouting.
Travel tips
- Get Ready When arriving at the airport have your current photo ID and your
airline ticket in a place that you have quick access to. Make sure all your
luggage is tagged correctly and follow the precautions about what and what not
to carry in your carry-on bags. Being pre-prepared for check-in will make your
trip more stress free.
Button
Holders - Kids constantly
losing their button? Sew them on with un-waxed dental floss and you have
“super thread” that will stand up to rough wear and tear.
"The
positive side of life"
thanks
Gordon Young
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side
of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the
longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left
open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the
people who have to wait for them? Most of us go to our grave with our music
still inside of us. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also
be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot
from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird
names, and all are different colours....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box. A truly
happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Weight control advice Title:
The more you chew, the
less you eat!
Believe it or not, you are supposed to chew your
food 25-30 times before you swallow. By doing this you are making it easier for
your stomach to digest the food, it takes you longer to eat, and your jaws
might even get tired so you don't eat as much! Also if you are out to eat on a
date or with friends, don't just feed your face, take your time to eat, talk
between bites, and remember to chew!!
In kindergarten your
idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all
that was left was the ugly black one.
In first grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you
walked through the scary halls.
In second grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
In third grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the
bus.
In fourth grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you
wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty
Nick or Smelly Susan.
In fifth grade your idea of a friend was
the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
In sixth grade your idea of a friend was
the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to
dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to
be embarrassed.
In seventh grade your idea of a friend was
the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before
that you had.
In eighth grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but
didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
In ninth grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind
up being the only freshman there.
In tenth grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with
at lunch.
In eleventh grade your idea of a good
friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your
parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with
Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend
was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that
you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents
who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
At graduation your idea of a good friend
was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one
could give as they congratulated you.
The summer after twelfth grade your idea of
a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that
party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your
parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back
together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for university
and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of
memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood,
went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college
as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to
college knowing you were loved.
Now, your idea of a good friend is still
the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when
you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you,
thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten,
helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to
it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of
their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you
deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you
become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
There's never a wrong time to pick up a
phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much
you love them. Remember always to say what you mean. Never be afraid to express
yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize
the day and have no regrets.
The difference between expressing love and
having regrets is that the regrets may stay around forever.
LEARNING
FROM THE PIGEONS
During
an experiment, pigeons were put in cages with one green and one red button. In
one cage, if the birds pecked the green button they would get food every time.
In the other, the green button yielded food erratically and the pigeons had to
persist to get enough food. In both cases, pecking the red button did nothing.
Both sets of birds thrived, learning what they had to do to survive and to
ignore the red button that yielded no food. But when the birds
that were used to getting a reward every time were put in the cage that fed
them only occasionally, they failed to adapt. They hit their heads
against the cage and pecked wildly at everything in sight.
There
are two worthwhile lessons from this study:
First,
the pigeons quickly learned from experience to avoid the red button because it
was unproductive. There are lots of people who would lead smoother and happier
lives if they just stopped pushing red buttons that never give them what they
want.
Second,
even birds who have it too easy get spoiled and
develop an entitlement mentality that prevents them from adapting to situations
where they can solve their problems if they just work harder. Some people are
like that too. They don't deal well with new circumstances, especially those
that require persistence.
Part
of being responsible is learning from experience to appreciate the benefits of
tenacity and the wisdom of avoiding useless, harmful and self-defeating
patterns of behaviour.
Michael Josephson -
Teacher and Speaker on ethics and character
6. Think
before you speak by Ken Warren
I recently asked my wife
if she could think of an example where I have said something dumb. “Just one?”
she replied innocently. She reminded me that I have this curious habit of using
people’s names in conversations with them even if I am not certain of their
names. Someone’s name might be Frank, but I call him Fred. Or someone’s name
might be Mary, but she looks like someone I know called Susan and another mix-up
occurs. I try to explain that it is because when one has a 'super brain',
working on so many complex problems simultaneously, mistakes are bound to
occur. But this does not hold much sway with my wife.
There seem to be a lot of
people out there like me who do not always think before they speak. Some think
just because they have something to say, then they should say it, even if it is
hurtful, inconsiderate, or in my case, inaccurate. A good rule of thumb is that
we should not always say what we think, but we should always think what we say.
It does not matter how right we are, if it is going to come out in a hurtful
way, we need to rethink how we say it and, perhaps, whether we even say it at
all. So often, it is not just what we say, but how we say it that counts.
A good way to think
before we speak is to ask ourselves if what we are going to say is going to
hurt or if it is really that necessary or important. Sometimes when we allow
ourselves to cool down, we discover that it wasn’t that important after all. If
it remains important, we tend to be in a better position to choose our words
well. I don’t think I have ever regretted allowing myself time to cool down
before I have had a difficult conversation with someone, though I have often
regretted times when I did not.
If we do not think before we speak, we are
leaving ourselves at the mercy of our learned relationship patterns. Some of
these patterns are functional, but often when faced with frustrations or the
challenging behaviour of another, some of our old unwanted patterns can emerge.
By thinking before we speak, we are interrupting the patterns that do not get
us the relationships we want. Such self-evaluation can also reinforce our
healthier patterns.
Ultimately, it doesn’t
matter how intelligent you are if you do a lot of dumb and hurtful things in
relationships. Even though we are all human and say dumb things at times, we
can at least be quick to apologise when that occurs. Even someone with a 'super
brain' can sometimes speak before they think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Guidelines for
better communication" is a free handout that can be downloaded from the
Articles Page of my website www.counsel.com.au . Helping professionals are welcome to copy it for their
clients.
Upcoming workshops with
Ken Warren
"Love is Something
You Do" Developing Better Relationships
Counselling Normal and Complicated Grief
For further information,
registration forms, and details of Ken's Training Programs, please visit the
Workshops page of www.counsel.com.au
Ken Warren BA, M Soc Sc, CPC, MACA (clinical)Counsellor and Trainer
31-33 Plaza Parade
Maroochydore Qld
Telephone: (07) 5443 7626 Facsimile: (07) 5443 9638
Email: kenwarren@counsel.com.au Website: www.counsel.com.au
7.
What is Laughter?
Scientists say that laughter is good for
body and mind:
Over the past two decades, extensive
research has been conducted all over the world and it has been proved that
laughter has a positive impact on various systems of the body. Laughter helps
to remove the negative effects of STRESS, which is the number one killer today.
More than 70% of illnesses like high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety,
depression, frequent coughs and colds, peptic ulcer, insomnia, allergies,
asthma, menstrual difficulties, tension headaches, stomach upsets and even
cancer have some relations to stress. Also, it has been proved beyond a shadow
of doubt that laughter helps to boost our immune system, which is the master
key for maintaining good health.
But people have forgotten to laugh:
Scientists are convinced that laughter has
both preventative and therapeutic value. But these days, where is laughter? It
seems that people have forgotten to laugh. According to a study done by Dr. Micheal Titze, a German
Psychologist, "in the 1950's people used to laugh 18 minutes a day but
today we laugh not more than 6 minutes a day despite huge rises in the standard
of living." Children can laugh up to 300-400 times in a day but when we
become an adult it comes down to just 15 times a day. Due to over seriousness
our sense of humour is also getting sick. The things at which we used to laugh
heartily 30 years ago no longer stimulate even the faintest smile.
Purpose
of Laughter
Laughter is only for amusement and
entertainment so that one can feel relaxed. Laughter is not merely a physical
phenomenon. It does not make any sense if a laughter club member laughs a lot
in the laughter club in the morning but screams and shouts at his wife the
whole day at home. Therefore, one should not laugh only for oneself so it is
also the responsibility of every laughter club member to make others feel
happy. Laughter should be reflected from one's behaviour and attitude towards
others.
The members of laughter clubs not only
laugh but also practice ways and means of sensible living. Through group
discussions we identify all the negative factors which stop us from laughing.
For example: anger, fear, guilt and jealousy are some of the negative emotions
which produce negative feelings in us. In a group effort we try to cultivate
positive emotions like love, appreciations, kindness, forgiveness and joy.
The motto of a laughter club member is not
only to make themselves happy but make others happy
also. This is known as SPIRIT OF LAUGHTER. The inner spirit of laughter can be
cultivated easily in a group effort. As a group the members of laughter clubs
inspire and motivate each other. We know so many good things in life but we
don't get motivation to practise them. But if we do it in a group it happens in
a much easier way.
Scientific
Rationale of Yoga and Laughter
All organs are made of tissue. To keep the
organs in good health they need a constant supply of nourishment like proteins,
carbohydrates, fats, salts, minerals and vitamins. These come from the food we
eat. The supply depends on their quality, the power of the digestion and the
absorption of the digestive system. The circulatory and digestive systems must
be efficient for the nutrients to reach all parts of the body. Then oxygen is
required for the body's metabolism to work. To get more oxygen the respiratory
system must be in perfect order.
The act of breathing is a natural form of
massage/exercise for the major digestive organs. The abdominal muscles need to
be exercised regularly for this massage to be effective. The act of laughing,
e.g. belly laughs and the act of raising ones arms up and taking a deep breath,
is what the scientists call 'internal jogging'. Regular laughing not only
strengthens the abdominal muscles and gives a constant massage - it holds the
abdominal organs in their proper place to ensure digestion and absorption.
The
Link between Laughter and Yoga
Yoga creates a balance of mind, body,
spirit. Laughter is a cognitive, affective and behavioural response. The word
yoga arises form the Sanskrit root 'Yuj' which means to get hold of, integrate, harmonise. So
Dr. Kataria, founder of the world's first laughter
club, deliberately structured laughter exercises on yoga exercises.
Deep
breathing
Start with deep breathing - Pranayama.
Interrupt the laughter exercises with deep
breathing.
Raising your arms up to the sky
Raising arms up to the
sky on breathing in.
Holding it for 4 seconds and then breathing
out.
The exhalation should be double that of the
inhalation - this is known as Talasana in yoga.
Prolonged exhalation helps remove the residual air in the lungs which contains
more carbon dioxide. This is how deep breathing helps increase the oxygen
supply to the body.
Ho Ho Ha Ha Ha exercise
When we laugh there is a rhythmic movement
of the diaphragm, abdominal muscles and intercostals muscles between the ribs.
So clapping and chanting Ho Ho Ha Ha
Ha in unison helps remove inhibitions - the
atmosphere gets charged and people start smiling and giggling. The clapping
helps stimulate the acupressure points on the hand.
This is followed by a number of laughter
exercises such as milkshake laughter, mobile phone laughter, lion laughter,
gradient laughter, etc.
Benefits
of Laughter
Anti
Stress
Laughter is the most economical and easy
anti-stress measure. It is a muscle relaxant, expands the blood vessels, and
reduces the stress hormones in the body such as epinephrine and cortisol. To
reduce stress via other methods takes a lot of mental effort to detach oneself
from the physical world. To laugh is a natural process and all the senses
naturally and effortlessly combine in a moment of harmony.
Strengthens
the Immune System
It has been proved that negative emotions
like anxiety, depression and anger weaken the immune system and the capacity to
fight infections. Laughter increases the level of NK cells (Natural Killer cells
-
Best
Aerobic Exercise
Laughing drives a sense of well being. 15
minutes laughing in the morning sets you up for the day. Dr William Fry (
Depression
and Anxiety
Modern living is taking a heavy toll on the
mind. Depression, anxiety, nervous breakdowns and sleeping difficulties are
said to be on the increase. Laughing has helped reduce reliance on drugs and
people in
High
Blood Pressure and Heart Disease
10 minutes laughing will drop blood
pressure by 10-20mm. It is not recommended to replace modern medication but it
helps. Perhaps the medication can be reduced. Laughter helps the blood
circulation and oxygen supply to muscles.
Natural
Pain Killer
Laughter increases the levels of endorphins
in our bodies which are natural pain killers. Norman Cousins, an American
journalist, was suffering from an incurable spine condition. No pain killers
would help so he locked himself away and watched comedy videos - friends
brought 'candid camera' videos. After laughing at the videos
this allowed him to get periods of over 2 hours of pain free sleep. He cured
him self and wrote a book. Norman Cousins had stimulated the interest in the
academic/medical community to formally research the benefits of laughing.
Internal
Jogging
Laughing provides a massage for the
internal organs. It enhances blood supply and increases their efficiency. The
best effect is to the intestines; it improves blood supply and helps the bowels
to move properly
Makes
you look younger - Exercise for the Face
There is no exercise except yoga designed
for the facial muscles. Laughing is excellent for the facial muscles. When you
laugh the face becomes red due to the increase in blood supply nourishing the
skin and makes the face glow. It squeezes the tear glands and makes the eyes
sparkle.
Interpersonal Relationships and Self
Confidence
Laughter brings people together. Laughter
club members meet with an open mind and care for each other. Laughing in a
group helps to remove inhibitions. Looking an idiot is a fear which may prevent
some people joining in - this is a passing phase. Joining a laughing club opens
the mind and gradually you gain self confidence. Laughter clubs is another way
to meet people of like mind creating small communities with a sense of
affiliation.
Please note: Understand You Laughter
activities and materials are not designed to take you away from whatever
healing or health programmes you are on - whether orthodox or alternative.
Instead it is meant to enhance and support your own chosen process and growth.
In the field of healing there are no guarantees, and there are as many routes
to healing and health as there are people. Hopefully, the Understand You
Laughter activities and materials will inspire and support you in whatever path
you choose.
7.8.
Jokes
Thanks
Hi all,
I found this rather
interesting and have printed it out to keep near the phone. Next time I am
definitely going to use this as telemarketers do keep going on. Enjoy it.
Things to Do To Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you
today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems
to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .
"
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ
Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how
many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are
married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. “You: Wait for a
second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you?
Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they
hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for
the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I
don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond:
"Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How
about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her
spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When
they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the
same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer,
set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the
moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers
say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. (a la Seinfeld)
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say,
several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they
would please hold. Put them on your
speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly
and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home
incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and
make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll
listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy
Leon, playing a joke. "Come on,
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that
they need to speak up . louder . .
. louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you
want to write every word down.
Sometimes it DOES take
a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA
built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
British engineers heard
about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high
speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
engineers.
When the gun was fired,
the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the
control console, snapped the engineer's back- rest in two and embedded itself
in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits
sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of
the windshield and begged the
You're going to love
this...
NASA responded with a one-line
memo: "Defrost the chicken."
Shakey went to a
psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I
get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta
help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."
"How much do you
charge?"
"My fee is per$150
per visit."
"That's awfully
expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me
sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the
doctor and Shakey crossed paths.
"Why didn't you
ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For
a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for nothing!"
"How do you
figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut
the legs off the bed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man walked into the local Dole office,
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing dole. I
would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replied, "Your
timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around
a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals
will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on
her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is
$200,000 a year!"
The young man said, "You're kidding me
man!"
The man behind the